Getting better takes failing and being disappointed in yourself and accepting that you are not perfect and never will be. It also takes self forgiveness, which I am terrible at. Growing up in the environment I did, I do not have much wiggle room for UNperfection. This is very hard for me. I grew up with lots of chaos and uncertainties and, being the oldest child of alcoholics who never should have had children, I need to know what to expect and have a VERY hard time with UNperfection (I made that word up). I don't think my kids even know most of what I endured as a child, and, that's good! However, maybe it would help them understand the WHY of my parenting and personality a little more. While I don't think anybody can use their upbringing as an excuse for making poor choices, it can help explain why your natural reaction to some things happens the way it does and it makes it ten million times harder having a different reaction. It takes LOTS of self reminders, resources and discipline to be different than what you know and were raised with. My girls are really hard on me at times. I've heard it all. "You're not a normal mom!" "All you do is cut me down" "Nothing is ever good enough!" The list goes on and on. I think I have finally just accepted that my girls don't like me sometimes. They may even think they don't love me and want to be as UNlike me as they possibly can, and that's okay! They will have times in life where they want to be far away from me but they will also have times in life when they need me and will seek my advice. I will ALWAYS be here for them!! I fought it for a long time. I felt like I needed to defend myself. I felt very hurt and that I needed to explain! Especially when I can do ten things that I've put a lot of thought into to help them feel special or make them smile and that goes seemingly unnoticed! I feel the need to explain that I have SUCH high hopes for these girls! I spend so much of my time and energy wondering, hoping, planning for how I can give my kids the best life I am capable of giving them. I'm not talking about material things either, because, we are not rich and we can't always give them everything they want. Matter of fact, rarely can we give them what they WANT, materialistically speaking. I want them to have so much more than I ever had. I want them to feel beautiful inside and out and loved and confident and successful and like they can conquer the world. I want them to feel confident sexually, too. Because, I definitely did not! I want them to feel okay with their bodies no matter what. I want them to feel smart even if they don't get straight A's. I want them to know that I am their biggest fan. But, truth is, they don't seem to realize that. Not yet, anyhow. I can't fix the past. I have carried a lot of demons and regrets in my life. I'm trying to change that. I have felt in the past that their success is somehow proof of my success as a parent. Why is that? I have always felt like I need to prove to the world that I did a great job with them. In reality, only a handful of people really care. Not only that, but, why do I care what people think of me, of us, anyhow!? I don't have to prove anything to anyone. The beauty of getting older is that you get wiser.
Speaking of getting older, I turned 40 in August. Ugh...this has been a tough one for me! While tough, it's also good in some ways. I care less what people think and how I can please others. I've spent most of my life caring WAY too much of what others think. No more of that. It's not like I don't care AT ALL, but honestly, if my kids are happy, who cares what anyone else thinks. My #1 priority is their happiness. I know I need to put my happiness up there a bit more, but, for now, that's my priority. And really, if they're happy, I'm happy. Life is MUCH more peaceful and comfortable when the kiddos are happy and healthy. Speaking of healthy. I'm so grateful for our health. All of us are healthy and it's something that should never be taken for granted. Even I do take this for granted, but then I read about the Campbell family and their struggles. Three of their five children have the dreadful juvenile form of MLD. Two of their three children are deteriorating as we speak. Please read that blog. This has helped me tremendously as a parent who often takes my children and the way we interact for granted. It is a good reminder to STOP and THINK. If you haven't clicked that link, again, please do. It's not a sob story blog. It's an eye opener and it will help you, even if you think or know you're already a great parent. I also want to highlight two other families that I follow closely, or, as closely as I can without having a FB! The Vivian family has four children and their two youngest babies have MLD. Eli just recently underwent an experimental but hopeful gene therapy in Italy. Ella, who is their youngest, will undergo the same therapy in a few months. Eli is back in the states but is having a hard time recovering from the therapy. Their family needs all of the positive thoughts, energy, vibes, prayers, to be sent their way. They also have a FB page if you want to keep tabs on them that way. It's not private, so I do creep their page for updates because there are more there than on their blog. Last but not least is the first family I learned about with MLD. This is the Price Family. Two of their five children have the dreadful disease. Their third child displayed symptoms and it was too late for treatment but her symptoms prompted testing in their younger children. One of them, Owen's age, has it also. He underwent the same therapy in Milan, Italy and so far everything seems to be very hopeful! Their baby girl is free from the disease, thankfully! I watch these families closely and try to donate to the research that is going to save so many lives! Please, read the blogs, and then donate!!
My point with all of these families and their blogs is that we should hug our children more, listen to them more intently, be more patient, stop yelling and start enjoying the here and now! I need to remind myself of this daily and I don't always succeed!! It's a struggle for any parent but it's especially a struggle for someone who doesn't have the kind of parents who lead by great example and taught in the way a parent ought to teach. I don't have moments where I think "What would mom do" or, "How would Dad have dealt with this?" I do find myself frustrated with people who take things for granted though! However, I know we ALL have personal struggles, and everyone's story is different. I try very hard not to judge!
That being said, we had a lovely weekend at the "cabin", which I think will start becoming our "go to" for Memorial Day and Labor Day weekends. It's a great barter that we have going on here. We go and help them do some work, in exchange for a cabin on the lake for a few days. It's not all work. It's family, stories, laughter, counsel and time cherished watching the kids play and bond. I missed the girls over Labor Day while they were visiting big sis in Florida, but they did join us for Memorial Day weekend and will again next year. They get out on the kayaks, don't worry about fussing over make up or outfits or spending time with friends. They also unplug from social networking which is a MAJOR bonus!! The experience of seeing those girls out on the water in the kayaks with each other is PRICELESS. The beauty of seeing the boys laugh and play and splash and use their imaginations outdoors is also PRICELESS. That is LIFE!! Making memories that will last a lifetime!! Of course, what would a trip be without pictures!! :-)
Mr. B started school, also. That has gone well so far but he is really tired :-) All day every day Kindergarten is hard work!
Oh, and a brother picture. They're so sweet!
