Pray for Adele!

I am asking for your prayers for Adele. Her story is heartbreaking, but your prayers could help. I do believe in the power of prayer. You can read about Adele here to center your prayers. Please pray that the chemo works to shrink the fast growing brain tumor in her head so her family can have more time with her. You might as well pray for a MIRACLE while you're at it, because she really needs one. She should be able to run and play and go to her first day of school, graduate from high school, get married and be a Mom. This is an ugly tumor and is growing very rapidly. Because of it's placement and how it has spread, surgery is no longer an option. Strangers and friends alike, thanks for the prayers on her behalf!

Faith and other things. WARNING-Heavy Post!

I am trying to understand "God's will". I'm trying to trust "God's plan". I'm trying to find my way in this fallen world and find meaning to tragedies. I'm not sure what it says about me as a person, but I have a very heartbreaking habit. I keep "watch" over many sick children. Mainly, children fighting osteosarcoma, brain tumors and leukodystrophies. All of these are tragic and heartbreaking but I cannot turn my back on these kids. Then, one story leads me to another and I have to bookmark that page so I can pray for them and hope for them and even cry for them. I think part of me reads these blogs and facebook pages (even though I don't have a facebook, most prayer pages are public so you don't need an account, thankfully) to gain some sort of understanding and to also appreciate what I have in front of me because it's not always easy with the day to day activities of a busy family and especially not easy with teenagers who some days seem to hate me with all they have.

So, the faith part of my post refers to the suffering of innocent children. I learned yesterday that Xavier, a brave 2 year old who was stabbed while he slept by his Mother's jealous ex-boyfriend had died. It makes me so sad for this little guy who fought SO HARD to stay alive for a year!! Why would something like this happen to a child? How could that be God's will? I don't understand. Here  is the article about Xavier. It breaks my heart beyond words. There are so many kids I keep watch over and he was one of them. So many children dying or having recently passed from brain tumors. So many children dying or have recently died of nasty osteosarcoma. Zach Sobiech, who just turned 18 a few weeks ago, passed away two days ago. He did many things in his 18 years and he touched my heart. Here is a video of his story. Such a great person, gone too soon. My heart goes out to his family. He wrote and performed the song Clouds and it is a great one. Take a listen! So many children and young adults gone too soon. Those that really have touched me are Zach, Kaden, Alyssa, Miette and Shannon. These are all children who have passed on way too early. Zach, Alyssa and Kaden all passed away recently due to osteosarcoma and Miette and Shannon, of a brain tumor. Then there's the MLD kids. The Price Family, and Vivian Family who each have two babies with MLD (metachromatic leukodystrophy) and the Campbell Family who have THREE children with this horrible rare disease.

Written by a parent who recently lost his beloved daughter to a brain tumor:

"On a personal note, here are some things it took me too long to figure out during the last few years. Enjoy every moment of every day. Don't be in such a hurry. You don't get those moments back. Plan for the future, but don't worry about the future. Worry gets you nowhere. You should tell the people you care about how you feel as much as possible. Don't wait for that perfect moment. The perfect moment never comes. My mom passed in December & I never got to tell her how I felt. Don't let grudges or anger keep you from living your life. You waste so much time & energy being angry. If you feel hurt by someone, forgive them. Be kind & compassionate to everyone you come in contact with during your days. You never know what someone else is dealing with during their day. Sometimes it's good if you don't judge, & just listen. Laugh as much as you can each day. You may have it bad, but I guarantee someone else has it worse. Bad things WILL happen to you. The key is to not let them defeat you. Try to be strong, but it's ok if you cry sometimes. Pray. Pray. Pray."

I pray and beg and plead for God to never, EVER have this be part of his "plan" for any of my children!! But I wonder, how do parents remain faithful to this God and trust him after he takes a child from them? How can some people be SO trusting and unselfish? I can only hope and pray that if I were to ever (GOD FORBID) have to endure something so painful as the loss of a child, that I could speak as faithfully and eloquently as these parents do in their blogs. Why would a kind, loving God ever allow something like this? WHY-when parents beg and plead for prayers and prayer chains have spread across the globe! WHY is all I can ask. I want to understand. I want to be one of those with unshaken faith. I want to trust.

Trust. This leads me to my next heavy topic. I have a major issue with trust. Sometimes I don't even trust myself with decisions because I can feel different about things from day to day or hour to hour. It all depends on the day and the time and events leading up to those decisions. So, when I was faced with a situation about a month ago, I surprised myself. My mom logged into her FB on my phone. She left it open. We were busy with our dinner coming and put my phone down to eat. Later in the evening, I was playing around with my phone, on the internet when I noticed one of the open windows on my phone was her FB still open. I don't have a FB anymore, so at first, it was innocent. I was just playing around. But then, I decided to read her messages. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was because I have always known the love was not unconditional or even really true LOVE. I've never felt it from her. Maybe she thinks she has "loved" me, but if she did, she sure had/has a funny way of showing it. I've always known there were resentments and grudges and trust issues. It has been a very rocky relationship to say the least. Especially growing up with her alcoholism being the main theme of my childhood. What I read I wasn't prepared for. Matter of fact, what I read was gut wrenching and made me PHYSICALLY ILL. That night, I did not sleep. Not ONE WINK. After reading those messages, I was up for nearly 48 hours straight. Oddly enough, I didn't even feel tired. Pure adrenaline as I tried to sort it all out in my head.

The messages were full of hatred and jealousy and lies. For two years, she sucked her sisters and her son (my only sibling, MY BROTHER) into these dreadful stories and lies. I read things like, "Make Jenny mad so she doesn't come to Thanksgiving" and, "Get close to Chelsey and Summer to make Jenny jealous". WHY. WHY!? I ask WHY a lot these days. I don't understand being filled with that much hatred. Those two examples are only about .00001 percent of what I read. Between them ALL. So, I was faced with a decision. I could just pretend I never read them. Yep, that was the first plan. But, as the physical illness and emotional aspect of it took it's toll, I confronted them ALL. I sent emails. I'm not sure what the purpose of those emails were, but I had to release some of that hurt. I had to try to understand it! I only personally called my Mother. I asked her to explain the LIES. Flat out LIES!!! She only spit out "For the first time, I'm speechless". Damn right she was speechless. She was speechless because there was nothing she could say and she knew it. There was nothing she could say to the daughter she has never loved unconditionally. You see, her own mother had a special place in her heart for her daughter (ME) and yes, I knew it!! Shame on ME for accepting that unconditional love, right? Ha. So, my whole life, I thought it was two of my aunts that resented me but my own mother's resentment of me was much deeper. I just didn't know it!! I fooled myself. Her next words to me were, "You are dangerous!" DANGEROUS?? If reading my mother's messages on my phone means I'm dangerous, then, I guess I'm GUILTY of being dangerous.

SO, I have thought and prayed and pondered and dreamed and wished and everything else that any human might do to try to understand it all. I've chosen to let it be their problem. I've chosen to be stronger and love my own children even more and be more understanding and tolerant of others. I've chosen to listen and accept more. I've chosen to have a relationship with Summer. It's a work in progress, but some just aren't as easy. I've chosen to be as much UNLIKE my own mother as I possibly can be. These are all choices that we all have. I will not let those messages own me. They have to own it. What I will own is that I shouldn't have read them. That is my part. However, it has helped me understand my upbringing and the feelings I always had about why I did not feel loved and why I felt such resentment towards me. It was REAL!!!

Needless to say, Grandma was and still is a very, VERY special person. She is understanding and loves ME unconditionally and I love her unconditionally as well. To think that those people hoped for me to be unhappy and hoped that Grandma would somehow "See her true colors" is sad. I can only HOPE that someday, they will understand their behavior and maybe even feel remorseful and ask for forgiveness or say "Sorry". Maybe that will happen, maybe not. Only time will tell.

In the meantime, my life is good. It's great, matter of fact. I keep my circles very tight and small. I decide who to let in and when to pull back. I am in control of my happiness and nobody can take that from me. My children are healthy and happy, my marriage is wonderful and I am blessed beyond belief. I just wish things had been different. I wish I could say that I had/have two loving, involved parents in my life who can share the joys of raising my children and who my children can call Grandma and Grandpa, like I had growing up. That bond is so important. My children don't get to experience that. It makes me sad for them. Ben's parents do a good job of being Grandma and Grandpa, but I wish my girls had the same thing with my parents. They just don't. I've spent a lot of time grieving over that.

Most of the time it's as if I am feeling my way through life nearly blind. I envision myself walking through a VERY thick forest. With goggles on. In the fog. In quick sand. I can barely see! There is no path. Nobody before me did any walking in this forest. Nobody before me cleared the way. It's not a well beaten path, but it is mine and I must take it. So, I venture on. Sometimes I get snagged up in vines and thorny bushes and it HURTS. But, then there are times when there are meadows and flowers and beautiful things. Maybe this is just life. But, I feel like my life was not and has not been as easy as some. However, I MUST accept that this is MY LIFE and do it well. I must accept that I have not had it easy but not dwell on it. I must not dwell on something I had and have no control over. It makes life that much more rewarding when walking through those meadows. I appreciate those meadows. I appreciate the little things in life that maybe others don't even notice. That is the beauty of it all. Maybe that's the answer to why God allows sad, terrible things to happen to little innocent children. Maybe they are angels that send us a message of healing and love and being grateful for what we have and cherishing it when we have it. Because, some people don't always see that and others don't always have that. My hope is that this forest will be much easier for my kids to walk through. Sure, they will choose their own paths with most of their life, but, the concrete things like parenting and values I hope to have a path beaten for them so that it's not so rough and so they don't feel like they're going it alone. I hope they can call me anytime, night or day, and know that I care and I love them unconditionally and that I would drop anything for them or their children. I can't wait for the opportunity to be a Grandmother someday. Just not too soon ;-)

Maybe God's message is clear and we just haven't opened our eyes enough to see it. I have seen so much beauty come of these tragedies. The beauty of tragedy is that we see things more clearly. We are stripped of our former selves. All of the yucky stuff that we carried around with us somehow is shed. It's simplistic. We see the beauty in a child's laughter, we care less about a messy house. We are in less of a hurry to get places and might even let someone sneak in front of us. We see that when others are ugly to us, maybe they need help, or maybe they are having personal struggles themselves. I am trying really hard to see the beauty amongst all of the pain and ugliness that surrounds us in this fallen world. It's there, it's there. You just have to open your eyes a little more.

Taken on Sunday between thunderstorms:

A great week (so far)...

I promised to update this blog more, so, I'm holding myself to that promise. I'll start with Mother's Day. It was great. REALLY great!! For starters, Ben and the boys made me a card and gave me the wind chime I have been wanting. It sounds so lovely when the wind blows! Good job, boys!! After getting ready, we (the six of us living at "home") went to 10:00 mass at St. Francis. As dorky as it might sound, I really loved where we sat. Everyone seated nearby were familiar families and that was a comforting feeling. Mother's Day two years ago was the first time we all went to Mass together. I used that day as a day to do whatever I wanted and my wish for our family was to invoke church into our lives. Exactly two years later, it has been a success. We went from being non-church goers with one non-church going Lutheran and one non-church going Catholic and children who did not have that richness in their lives, to two parents who are both practicing Catholics, raising their children to the best of their abilities as devout Catholics. It's a good feeling and I don't have any regrets. It's also very nice to have that church as your school, too! Brody has been going to pre-school there and will start Kindergarten there in the fall. Here's a very belated shot of his first day of pre-school.

After church, we went to BWW. I had a craving for boneless wings. Parmesan garlic boneless wings. I tried fried pickles for the first time ever, too. Yum!! While at BWW, we realized that it was the EIGHT of us! None of us could remember the last time that had happened. No friends, no boyfriends (we did miss Joe, though!), just us. We agreed a picture needed to be taken and then forgot to take one! Boo!! Chels did take a vine though: We're all here! It was so nice to be all together. I'm proud of my family. There is no better feeling in the world than to have everyone around the same table and seeing smiles on faces. Perfect!

Once lunch was over, Summer, Chelsey and I went to get pedicures and manicures. Summer treated me to mine and it was FANTASTIC!! I don't know what was better-the massage chair, or the foot and calf massage. Both at the same time was heaven. I wish you could go and just get that done. I could really care less about the toe painting. I can paint my own toes, but I do admit that it's nice to have someone to that for you. There's something to be said about being pampered!

It was a great day. It was hard to go back to work on Monday! But, with the forecast of 90 on Tuesday, I decided it was a good day to get out and plant my vegetable seeds and flowers! I took Tuesday off to have the day to myself and it was great! I sat in the sun and soaked up some vitamin D, planted my veggie seeds and flower seeds and also potted some flowers for the front step. I planted two different kinds of basil, cilantro, two different kind of tomatoes, cucumbers, green beans, peas, green peppers and zucchini. I did it different this year and started seedlings in little jiffy pots. I hope they do better than last year. I love my flowers and gardening. It really does help my mood just to get outside and watch it all grow. Therapeutic!! Oh, I also made biscuits from scratch and we had strawberry shortcake. It was a hit!

I've been meaning to get out and take pictures of the old silo in the woods by our house but I always think the next time I drive by will be better. Last night was the night. I saw an area where the fence was down and the grass isn't too long now, so I took that opportunity with the kids in tow. The boys had fun running around and Brooke climbed the silo! Here is a little collage of some of my favorites.

The sunset in this same area the night before. I had to stop and snap a few!

That's about it for this week for now! I plan on going out and snapping some pics of the gigantic eagle nest (or, as I call it the "pterodactyl nest") sometime in the next few days. TTFN!

Life and Stuff

I'm always at a loss of where to start with my blog. This is why I have only a few entries. My life is pretty boring. It's just life, I guess. Nothing spectacular or super exciting. Brody started soccer, and school is about to end. We had a huge snow storm exactly a week ago. It's time to move to Hawaii.

 I do have to brag for a moment though. My oldest daughter Chelsey received a scholarship! Not just any scholarship though, it's the FIRST EVER Greg Sellnow Memorial Scholarship! For those of you who do not know who Greg Sellnow is, here is a great article about him and his unfortunate untimely death. Greg's wife, daughter and Father were there to present it to her, along with several Post Bulletin journalists. I was presented with a challenge when Chelsey called the night before her award ceremony, to tell me that it was tomorrow and there would be a dinner to follow. It was Brody's first night of soccer (more on that later), and I had to be in two places at one time. However, I felt it was more important to be there to support my first born than it was to be at soccer. After arranging our schedule and putting it in Ben's hands to deal with Brody's soccer practice, I was there. It was quite the ritzy dinner afterwards. Lots of schmoozing. But, it was an experience I will never forget. I am very proud of this girl! I am so honored to be her Mother. I remember the confusing time, at just 17 years old, not knowing what I was going to do with my life now that I was going to be a young mom. I was scared, confused, sad and felt very alone. It was one of the most down times in my life. I wondered what this child would grow up to be like, how I would make sure that she would do whatever she wanted with her life and that I would support her. Life presents us with many challenges. But, this girl knows what she wants and knows how to get it. When she started school, she listened to what I, and everyone else told her to do and be. She started off going for RN. She called me one day and told me her heart wasn't in it and that she wanted to be a journalist. I supported that, and told her to do whatever she felt her heart was leading her to do. I have seen her blossom since that day. No regrets. I feel such pride for her, my first born. I hope to have more moments like these with the rest of my children. What a great example she is for her younger siblings.

So-Brody started soccer. I'm the parent on the sidelines yelling "Help out your team! Get up! Run! Be aggressive!" Yep, that's me, while the other parents stare. Meanwhile, Brody is out there on the ground, looking for four leaf clovers. Bless his sweet little heart. This boy would rather find a flower or "pretty rock" to give to me or save for his collection. I'm not sure when you just know that a kid isn't cut out for a sport or certain activity. He will be six in July. Do we give it more time? Is it different because he's our first boy? Would it be different if he was a girl? I'm not sure. Last week he said he hated it. This week, even after barely participating in their mock game, he says he likes it and wants to go back. I want to say "WHY?!" But, we have three practices left and then we'll see what he prefers after that. He does very well in swimming, so we'll stick with that for sure. Everybody is different. I think this son of ours will enjoy non-aggressive activities and that's okay. He enjoys flowers and rocks and building things. That's my boy ;-) The photo below is from Tuesday, May 7th at Kindergarten round-up. He'll go to Kindergarten at St. Francis Catholic school this fall. He has had a full year of Preschool there and loves it. Many of his Preschool friends will be joining him there. 

Big things and little things. They are all things and when it comes to little things, sometimes they are actually BIG. Let me explain. Alexa struggles in school. She always has and she probably always will. When I see four (YES-FOUR) F's on her report card followed by two D's and a B, I'm not surprised. I don't push her anymore. She knows there are natural consequences in life, and those consequences will be obstacles she will have to overcome. Do I see her posting from Twitter all day every day while she should be listening in class? Yep! However, last week she came home with a Geometry test that she got an 18.5 out of 19 on. To some parents, this is a little thing. To me, it's HUGE!!! This is one of her "F" classes. It is proudly displayed on the refrigerator. Baby steps. Little things. Pride is pride. I'm proud of my girl. Hopefully, that pride can be carried onto the next thing and the next. I'm not sure if college will be her thing. She has a few "other" ideas as well. She will maybe do Cosmetology school. She's great with hair and make-up. College isn't for everyone. I will be proud no matter what. She has talked about the military also. She has a gift with special needs kids as well. She's kind and sweet. She will be okay. She just has to find her groove and not let anyone tell her who she is or what she should be. As long as she is okay with it, it is good. I just worry about her sometimes because she is tall and blonde and beautiful with that bright smile. I don't want anyone to take her for granted or use her or make her feel anything less than the amazing girl she is. She's pretty silly, too. Hence, the picture below. We're always in the mood to goof off!

Brookie is accomplishing things, too. Aside from doing well in school (A's and B's), she has moved onto the next level in Gymnastics. I do not know one darn thing about gymnastics, but I know she is now doing an hour and a half instead of an hour, and that since she has been in Gymnastics, her grades have gotten even better. I think it helps keep her brain moving and also boosts her self confidence and esteem. I'll take it. She's doing well and that's a great thing. The best thing about Brooke is her ability to be Brooke. She doesn't care what others think of her and I think this will serve her well in life. Most girls would be pretty opposed to shaving their hair off. Not Brooke. She knows who she is and wears it well. Nothing but pride!

Summer lives a life I do not know much about or understand. I only hear bits and pieces. Since I don't participate in FB or Twitter, I am in the dark for the most part. What I do hear and see isn't usually what a parent would be proud of. In November, we came to the tough decision of asking her to leave. There were disruptions occasionally late at night, evidence of drugs or alcohol and seemingly constant fighting with me or her siblings over petty things. This has been probably one of the most stressful things our family has ever been through. I have always just assumed this girl would excel in life. She got near perfect grades in high school and is very intelligent. She was always the daughter who struggled the most with her own Father's drug problem. Yet, she has turned to drugs and alcohol. It doesn't make any sense. Maybe it makes sense to her. I am trying really hard not to judge. I won't go into detail. However, we have never been invited to her home, I'm not sure what kind of car she drives, what kind of grades she gets and I have no idea who any of her friends are. She was always very private with her friends and her life even as a child though, so, this doesn't surprise me. I do believe that one day she will mature enough to deal with her problems in a more healthy way. I know what kind of life her Dad has had because of drugs and I hope she doesn't follow in his footsteps. Well, I at least hope she can see that there are other options in her life. For now, I think she is holding down her full time job at Best Buy and I think she is doing "decent" in school, but I can't be sure. She doesn't tell me these things. She's a pretty girl, she's intelligent and she's troubled. I think her intelligence will win when all is said and done. Sometimes things like these add character. Until she gets her act straightened up, we are being very careful with when we will allow her around her siblings. We never know what she's going to talk about with her younger sisters especially. She brings up drugs and sometimes even talks about how fun they are. Not good when you're trying to raise them to rise above that kind of peer pressure. Even worse when it comes from a big sister-someone they are supposed to look up to. Unfortunately, I don't even have a recent picture of her. So, I'll insert one that I love of the girls and I about a year and a half ago.  Summer is the second one on the left with her head tilted. These girls are just beautiful!

Last but not least, Owen!!! This little guy is a spitfire! Funny but fitting name for him. Funny, because that was my nickname as a child. He bounces off the walls most of the time. He's 3 1/2 but I still see him as a baby. He will forever be "The Baby". What a title to have. Maybe we need to stop referring to him as our baby. I'm not ready to give that up yet. He will join Brody in swimming this fall. He's looking forward to "training for the Olympics!", just like Brody is doing. Don't tell them otherwise! 

 He loves his new baby cousin, Myles!

Ben and I are doing well. Aside from some tummy troubles that seem to have gotten better for me (unsure of the cause), and Ben with shingles that have now healed, we are doing great. We don't have a whole lot of time for each other, but we try to get out maybe once a month to unwind. Last month we took in a play. It was a surprise date. My supervisor at work couldn't get to it, so gave us her tickets. It was a musical and was hilarious. We needed that laughter!! Plays are great. We don't do the bar scene anymore, so this activity fits our needs well. There will be more plays! In between our date nights, we are working and planning our move to Hawaii. Yes, seriously. No, really. Especially after this last winter, we are ready. We are working hard to get our school loans paid off and then we will get more serious. Right now, we're calling it the "Five year plan". How long will we call it that? Will it be "Four year plan" next year? Maybe it will always be the "Five year plan". Five years seems do-able. I have questions though. Like, will be be able to afford housing? Will any of the girls come with us? Where will the boys go to school? What will we do for work? I suppose if we are even half serious, we better start getting business worked out. We need short and long term goals. Until then, we dream BIG. I hope to have a few more Hawaii trips before that. Maybe we will change our minds. Maybe it's all just a dream that will never become reality. BUT-I will NEVER STOP DREAMING. I will also never stop longing for Hawaii. 

PS-Ben's getting really good at perfecting his duck face. Haha!

I was in love with Hawaii before I even knew what it was. Grandma loved it and brought back view master slides, stories, towels, and a tan. With those stories came expressions that I didn't see on her unless it was when she was talking about Hawaii. She'd close her eyes when she'd tell them, and she'd smile. We'd lay out in the sun on top of the roof and "pretend we are in Hawaii". Her love of Hawaii became my love of Hawaii. Now that I've been there three times, I understand. Thank you, Grandma!! Someday, I need a post just about her. She's the most amazing person I have ever known. She's my soul mate.

One last thing. Here are some random pictures. I love sunrises and sunsets. I love cool views of this little city. I love seeing moments that I want to remember forever. I did not love the snow exactly a week ago that dumped 15 inches on us, but it did provide for some great photographic moments. A week later, aside from some trees that have been snapped off due to the weight of the snow, you can't even really tell there was a major winter storm on May 2nd!! The tree photograph was from the Cystic Fibrosis walk we did on Saturday, May 4th. I looked up and saw beauty. The walk was for our little neighbor guy Braeden. He's 4 and has CF. It was cold and wet and muddy but Braeden is worth it! I hope one day a cure is found for CF! If you are interested, here is Braeden's CF page. The walk is over, but you can still click to donate!

Tuesday, April 30th-Building art.

Thursday, May 2nd-BURR!

 Saturday, May 4th-looking UP at the CF walk around Silver Lake.

 Tuesday, May 6th-a foggy morning view off our back deck.

 Wednesday, May 8th-sunrise view off our back deck.