Five Years of bliss :-)

Ben and I had our five year anniversary on Friday the 28th. We kept it simple (knowing that next year we will be in Hawaii again!). We both took the day off and brought the kids to school and daycare, then went and got the exact same Subway sandwich we had every morning in Hawaii as we headed off to the beach. After that, we just bummed around to the different thrift shops in Rochester. We both love going to those and seeing what gems we can find. We each found a few things! After that, we were planning to go to a movie but we each wanted to see something different. It was his idea to flip a coin and I won :-) While we were on our way, I thought it would be a better idea to go bowling. We both agreed on that instead, so we bowled! That was a lot of fun! We laughed and enjoyed each other, something we don't get to do too often without the kids around. After bowling, we headed downtown, parked the car and walked around throughout the subway and skyways. I showed him where Chels and Joe are having their reception. We got lucky and got to go in as they were setting up for a wedding with the dance floor in place. After that, we walked around and looked at some local art. The walk and bowling made us hungry again so we headed to Fiesta and shared an order of "porkachos", which are nachos topped with pork. This is also a favorite of ours in Hawaii. Yum!! After lunch we still had a little time to kill so we went to Big Lots, parked our butts on the couches there and just relaxed. It was a full day of spending time with each other and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm looking forward to the next five years and beyond. We have grown together as a couple in these past few years and I can't imagine life without my Benny Boo! I sometimes have to pinch myself when I think of my life then and now. This is what it's all about! We have dreams that we share. We talk about our future together. We live and we love. I am thankful. I'm mostly thankful for the simplicity of our lives. We don't have to have "things" to be happy. We just are. There's no pretending or trying hard or compromising each others happiness. It's no frills. It's easy. There is no wondering. It's real. There is no struggle.

Ben, Brooke, Brody and I being silly. We realized we were all squeezed into a very small space together!

 Owen and I!

 The beyond cool bowling shoes!

A HUGE chandelier downtown that looked really pretty on our walk!

 A stained glass window dedicated to 9/11 at the Civic Center

Warm Memories

Lately, I have been trying to dig up good, warm fuzzy childhood memories. This time of year always makes me remember past Christmases and the toys I enjoyed playing with. Christmas is such a magical time. Opening those gifts on Christmas morning, well, there’s just nothing like it. Christmas morning is probably the best day there is for a child. I remember the spirograph. I could sit for hours and make designs on paper. Oh, what fun to create those masterpieces! Then there was the fashion designer where you would take different plates and put together outfits, place a piece of paper over the top of those plates and color over them. Voila! You could put together anything you thought up. It was magical! Light bright-I have memories of sitting on the floor with my light bright in the dark. The black paper with the white letters that indicated which color to use. The only problem with the light bright was that once the black paper prints were done and/or the light bulb burnt out, it was pretty much junk. Oh, then we can’t forget the easy bake! I had a lot of fun in Grandma’s kitchen with my easy bake. She even had a pantry for me complete with little mixes. I made cakes mostly. I felt so accomplished! Can’t forget the viewmaster either! My viewmaster was from Grandma. It’s my first memory of falling in love with Hawaii. She brought back slides from one of their trips and I looked at them over and over again. I remember one with a Hawaiian girl standing with a grass skirt and long hair next to a waterfall. I wanted to go there and I wanted to be her. That love of Hawaii has never stopped! I partook in "luau's" also, from a young age.

Barbies-My favorite past time. I remember my first one. Kissing Barbie. She came with lipstick. It was a plum color. She had a square button on her back and when you’d press it, her lips would move forward, imitating a kiss. I’d make her kiss Ken on the cheek. He loved it J I made furniture out of scrap wood at Grandma and Grandpa’s house even. I covered the furniture with thin styrofoam “paper” and made elaborate houses for them. Of course, the setting up was the best part. After set up there wasn’t much playing. I remember the last time I played with Barbies. I struggled to use my imagination and felt bored with them. I remember consciously thinking it would be the last time I would play. I clearly remember where I was on my floor and looking up and around at all of the Teen Bop posters on my walls. I had posters mostly of John Stamos, Kirk Cameron, and Ricky Schroder. I had a MAJOR crush on Kirk and Ricky! I do remember posters of The Jets, The Menudo boy band and Rick Springfield, too!

I only had one younger brother. I remember taking turns picking matchbox cars, too. I don’t really remember playing with them, just picking them. My brother and I also made a homemade monopoly game. That thing rocked! We used to play Monopoly out at Aunt Kim’s house and when we didn’t have our own at home, we did the only logical thing and made a homemade one! We had a board, money and game pieces. We used our imaginations. We also played the game of “Saw it first!” after watching a movie. This involved watching through the boring credits until the oval global type symbol came up at the end. Why we did this, I still do not understand but I still say it in my head if by chance a movie is still on after the credits roll. Oh, we always made it a plan to camp out in the living room and stay up watching Night Tracks, too. Every week I was the only one who stayed up with both my brother and my mom crashed on the couch before the first video. After that, was the National Anthem and then fuzz. I was always still up!

I loved playing cards with Grandma, too. That and Chinese Checkers. I need to teach my kids how to play Russian Rummy and Chinese Checkers. We’d play quite often and those are fond memories. I did puzzles with Grandpa, too. I was his puzzle pal. The other grandkids didn’t seem to have the time or patience to do puzzles but I did. Grandpa and I would sit and do puzzles and watch Scooby Doo, The Flintstones or Looney Toons. He’d laugh and laugh at Looney Toons. I can still see him now, sitting at that card table with that concentrated look.

Another fond memory I have is when I’d call Grandma and Grandpa to come and get me at school because I didn’t “feel good”. Grandma would make me soup and I’d watch either Gilligan’s Island or the artist Bob Ross. It’s so relaxing. I have nothing but warm, comforting feelings from Grandma and Grandpa’s house. Here’s a fun little video of him painting happy little trees and clouds. Bob Ross Remix

Grandma was always so good at comfort, whether it was with food, scratching my back by the fire, or just simply being there. She helped with homework and taught me how to bake. She also taught me manners, respect for my elders and not to snap my gum! She made the best peanut butter and jelly toast. I could never make it as good as hers. I didn’t know how she made something so simple taste so good. That is, until I added butter. She also added half and half to my lucky charms! Yum. There was also the air popper and popcorn with real butter. Grandma ate her popcorn with her tongue! I thought that was the coolest and I always tried to do it but was never as good as her.

Oh, but I mustn’t forget about the carefree summers. Man, we just did what we wanted all summer! We rode our bikes around the neighborhood, made forts and even rode to Whitewater several times. I can’t imagine ever letting my kids do that nowadays but back then I don’t even really remember any of us kids telling our parents where we were going. In the good ol’ days, we just came back when the whistle blew, which was 6 o’clock. As long as we were back by then, it didn’t really matter what we were out doing. The fort we built was a HUGE hole dug in the ground. All of us neighbor kids pitched in and dug it out. We were determined, hard workers! It was lined with tarp and covered with ply wood. It even had a door with a lock! The Evan’s, Hartzell’s and us would hang out in there. I remember a huge rain we had. We all decided to hide in there but it didn’t last long. It became a mud pit! We had secret clubs, too! And oh, the days in the cool basement of the Hartzell’s house playing Odyssey were the best! The Hartzell’s had the best house. It was the nicest and they had air conditioning, something we didn’t have!

What a fun, carefree childhood I had. I choose to focus on that. I hope my kids have the same warm memories someday. These things we can hold onto. I choose to let the other not so soothing or warm memories be less memorable. Something I find interesting is that of all of these good memories, I have very few of my own parents. One thing I do remember that’s good is a time when my mom walked with me up to the top of the hill up by the dump. I think we watched the sunrise and ate some snacks. That same hill had bad erosion on the gravel road when it rained. All of us neighbor kids and my cousin Brandon would make dams with rocks during and after rains. That was fun! I remember my Dad bringing my new red bike with the white seat for my 5^th birthday, also. I rode that bike around and around out at the farmhouse!

I remember the summer when Jackie and I were best friends. We’d listen to our records and make friendship pins and bracelets. We made so many! That, and folded up notes. We had a large garbage bag full of notes from each other. I wish I would have saved those. They'd be fun to read! She seemed to always be babysitting so we’d run up the street from each other’s houses and meet each other halfway. We’d exchange notes and bracelets. Those were the days. Her and I had a huge crush on Mikkel, a Foreign Exchange student from Denmark. We got him candy and a post card that said “U R A Q T”. We put them in his locker. He gave them back to us, saying he had diabetes. CRUSHED. I still have that card. Why didn't he at least keep the card?! How embarrassing that was! Oh, to be back in 8^th grade again. Actually, no thanks!

Wrapping up, I really hope that anyone reading this might have thought of some warm childhood memories. They are really nice to hold onto and maybe even share with your own kids, or nieces and nephews and grandkids. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone!

Loving Life

I've been trying to find the time to make a blog entry but that's no easy thing. Mainly, wanted to update on the goings on in our family. Life is good. Things are just really very peaceful and uncomplicated. Life is "normal". What's normal? Normal for me is a good marriage, happy, healthy kids. Well, stability. Everything is stable and predictable and I thrive on predictable. I cannot handle chaos or unpredictable things in my life.

Alexa and Brooke both went to Homecoming. What beauties these girls are. They are truly kind, thoughtful and cool kids. I love them. What I love most about them though, is that they GET ALONG. In the past, there was a lot of fighting between the girls when all of them were living at home. These two youngest of the girls really get along great. They share clothes, chores and are genuinely kind to each other 99% of the time. This takes a HUGE stress off of the whole household. They're just awesome, and I love and appreciate them so much!

SO-right now we are very excited for our next big event. A wedding!! Chels and Joe are engaged! They have picked a date but I won't put that out there yet. Let's just say it's a lot sooner than we expected, but it's okay, we will do our best to make sure this event is AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL for them. What a happy and exciting time in life for them. The planning of our wedding was the happiest time of my life. It still makes me smile and have butterflies. Chels will make such a beautiful bride. I can't wait to see how this all unfolds for them. We go dress shopping in November already!

All of this wedding thinking has really got me thinking about my marriage. I don't even know how to put into words how truly blessed I am, without sounding super cheesy and corny. Ben truly is one of a kind and I really don't know what I'd do without him. I love him more every day. I really do. This man will do anything for us. His family loves us unconditionally. His parents are such great people, and are wonderful grandparents to the boys and girls. They are the true definition of family. They are "normal". They are thoughtful and kind. And they help me see why Ben is such a great Husband and Father. I hope all of my girls can say the same things about their husbands someday. He loves me. I feel his love. He loves our family. He takes care of us and I of him. I think Chelsey has found this in Joe as well. I can see it. What a beautiful thing.

I'm feeling super cheesy and lovey lately. I'm excited for Christmas already, too! We have a new tree this year and I can't wait to put it up and decorate and bake with the kids and get and wrap gifts. I want to dig out my Christmas music already, but I suppose we should get Halloween and Thanksgiving out of the way first ;-) I'm even excited for Halloween tomorrow. I'm helping with Brody's class party, both girls have a party with friends and even Owen has a party at daycare, then we're all out to watch the boys Trick or Treat. Should be fun! They're at such fun ages for that. We all just really enjoy these little guys. They make us smile. Their sisters love them so much too, how neat to see that love!

Not much else going on besides wedding planning with Chels and Joe. Both boys are swimming at Med City Aquatics, which they are really enjoying. Alexa got her permit and she is actually a very good driver! I'm super impressed. She's great at parking, too! That's usually a harder thing to learn. She's working at Hy Vee and liking that, too. It's nice for her to have her own money! Anyway, that's about it for now. Until next time...of course, some photos to share! Last weekend we stayed up at Ben's sister Hanna and Darin's house. His other sister Maggie and her family and a cousin came to visit. It was a very nice visit!

Grandma reading to Brody and Tyus

 Sister Maggie and Cousin Amy-love them!

 Sister Jen and Baby Myles-so sweet!!

 Cousin bonding with Drew and Tyus-cute kids!

 Bonding with Grandma!

 Grandparents are SO important!

 Our pumpkins

 A beautiful autumn day in our neighborhood

 Alexa and her Homecoming crew

 Brooke and her homecoming crew

Pretty Alexa!

 Pretty Brooke!

Parenting

Being the mother of 6 children is not easy. However, I am not complaining. Nobody forced me to have six children. Complaining does nothing. I consider myself fortunate six times over. Actually, seven, if you count Ben, my husband. And, he does count in a BIG WAY. I ask myself often how I was so fortunate to meet this guy. Hopefully he has the same thought, occasionally! :-) I also ask myself why he was crazy enough to take on a woman with four daughters. This has not been easy. Not just for him, but for all of us. We are still growing and learning and failing at some things but I think there is much more growing and learning than failing, so it's all in all a good thing. I really have nothing to complain about, other than the fact that I have six of the most stubborn children that any mother could have. I try to remind myself that stubbornness in and of itself is a GOOD quality to have and that someday this will serve them well in life. Although, being stubborn does have it's downside as well! Being stubborn makes it hard to compromise; especially in marriage! I am the most patient person I know, so at least Ben has that. Ha-I kid! I'm not known for my patience, but I am getting better.

Getting better takes failing and being disappointed in yourself and accepting that you are not perfect and never will be. It also takes self forgiveness, which I am terrible at. Growing up in the environment I did, I do not have much wiggle room for UNperfection. This is very hard for me. I grew up with lots of chaos and uncertainties and, being the oldest child of alcoholics who never should have had children, I need to know what to expect and have a VERY hard time with UNperfection (I made that word up). I don't think my kids even know most of what I endured as a child, and, that's good! However, maybe it would help them understand the WHY of my parenting and personality a little more. While I don't think anybody can use their upbringing as an excuse for making poor choices, it can help explain why your natural reaction to some things happens the way it does and it makes it ten million times harder having a different reaction. It takes LOTS of self reminders, resources and discipline to be different than what you know and were raised with. My girls are really hard on me at times. I've heard it all. "You're not a normal mom!" "All you do is cut me down" "Nothing is ever good enough!" The list goes on and on. I think I have finally just accepted that my girls don't like me sometimes. They may even think they don't love me and want to be as UNlike me as they possibly can, and that's okay! They will have times in life where they want to be far away from me but they will also have times in life when they need me and will seek my advice. I will ALWAYS be here for them!! I fought it for a long time. I felt like I needed to defend myself. I felt very hurt and that I needed to explain! Especially when I can do ten things that I've put a lot of thought into to help them feel special or make them smile and that goes seemingly unnoticed! I feel the need to explain that I have SUCH high hopes for these girls! I spend so much of my time and energy wondering, hoping, planning for how I can give my kids the best life I am capable of giving them. I'm not talking about material things either, because, we are not rich and we can't always give them everything they want. Matter of fact, rarely can we give them what they WANT, materialistically speaking. I want them to have so much more than I ever had. I want them to feel beautiful inside and out and loved and confident and successful and like they can conquer the world. I want them to feel confident sexually, too. Because, I definitely did not! I want them to feel okay with their bodies no matter what. I want them to feel smart even if they don't get straight A's. I want them to know that I am their biggest fan. But, truth is, they don't seem to realize that. Not yet, anyhow. I can't fix the past. I have carried a lot of demons and regrets in my life. I'm trying to change that. I have felt in the past that their success is somehow proof of my success as a parent. Why is that? I have always felt like I need to prove to the world that I did a great job with them. In reality, only a handful of people really care. Not only that, but, why do I care what people think of me, of us, anyhow!? I don't have to prove anything to anyone. The beauty of getting older is that you get wiser.

Speaking of getting older, I turned 40 in August. Ugh...this has been a tough one for me! While tough, it's also good in some ways. I care less what people think and how I can please others. I've spent most of my life caring WAY too much of what others think. No more of that. It's not like I don't care AT ALL, but honestly, if my kids are happy, who cares what anyone else thinks. My #1 priority is their happiness. I know I need to put my happiness up there a bit more, but, for now, that's my priority. And really, if they're happy, I'm happy. Life is MUCH more peaceful and comfortable when the kiddos are happy and healthy. Speaking of healthy. I'm so grateful for our health. All of us are healthy and it's something that should never be taken for granted. Even I do take this for granted, but then I read about the Campbell family and their struggles. Three of their five children have the dreadful juvenile form of MLD. Two of their three children are deteriorating as we speak. Please read that blog. This has helped me tremendously as a parent who often takes my children and the way we interact for granted. It is a good reminder to STOP and THINK. If you haven't clicked that link, again, please do. It's not a sob story blog. It's an eye opener and it will help you, even if you think or know you're already a great parent. I also want to highlight two other families that I follow closely, or, as closely as I can without having a FB! The Vivian family has four children and their two youngest babies have MLD. Eli just recently underwent an experimental but hopeful gene therapy in Italy. Ella, who is their youngest, will undergo the same therapy in a few months. Eli is back in the states but is having a hard time recovering from the therapy. Their family needs all of the positive thoughts, energy, vibes, prayers, to be sent their way. They also have a FB page if you want to keep tabs on them that way. It's not private, so I do creep their page for updates because there are more there than on their blog. Last but not least is the first family I learned about with MLD. This is the Price Family. Two of their five children have the dreadful disease. Their third child displayed symptoms and it was too late for treatment but her symptoms prompted testing in their younger children. One of them, Owen's age, has it also. He underwent the same therapy in Milan, Italy and so far everything seems to be very hopeful! Their baby girl is free from the disease, thankfully! I watch these families closely and try to donate to the research that is going to save so many lives! Please, read the blogs, and then donate!!

My point with all of these families and their blogs is that we should hug our children more, listen to them more intently, be more patient, stop yelling and start enjoying the here and now! I need to remind myself of this daily and I don't always succeed!! It's a struggle for any parent but it's especially a struggle for someone who doesn't have the kind of parents who lead by great example and taught in the way a parent ought to teach. I don't have moments where I think "What would mom do" or, "How would Dad have dealt with this?" I do find myself frustrated with people who take things for granted though! However, I know we ALL have personal struggles, and everyone's story is different. I try very hard not to judge!

That being said, we had a lovely weekend at the "cabin", which I think will start becoming our "go to" for Memorial Day and Labor Day weekends. It's a great barter that we have going on here. We go and help them do some work, in exchange for a cabin on the lake for a few days. It's not all work. It's family, stories, laughter, counsel and time cherished watching the kids play and bond. I missed the girls over Labor Day while they were visiting big sis in Florida, but they did join us for Memorial Day weekend and will again next year. They get out on the kayaks, don't worry about fussing over make up or outfits or spending time with friends. They also unplug from social networking which is a MAJOR bonus!! The experience of seeing those girls out on the water in the kayaks with each other is PRICELESS. The beauty of seeing the boys laugh and play and splash and use their imaginations outdoors is also PRICELESS. That is LIFE!! Making memories that will last a lifetime!! Of course, what would a trip be without pictures!! :-)

Mr. B started school, also. That has gone well so far but he is really tired :-) All day every day Kindergarten is hard work! 

Oh, and a brother picture. They're so sweet!

Favorite Quote

We are all doing well. Summer is in full swing. The kids are playing, happy and healthy. We're working on our yard, garden and house projects daily. We're going on a family trip to Omaha in late July. I'm really looking forward to getting out of town. Feeling the itch for a change. Mainly, a new job and a new geographical location. We will have to wait on both for a few years. Right now our main goal is paying down the last of our student loan debt. Then, besides our house, we are DEBT FREE and can start thinking about a vacation home. YES!

A friend gave me this quote the other day and I wanted to post it and share it because it's really great! I struggle with Faith. Even more so lately. Not sure what I believe these days, but the quote is lovely. That's all for today. I have a lot going on in my head but not that I have time to put into a blog post right now.

Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones. I am not afraid.
- Marcus Aurelius-

And, just a few pics I've taken recently!

The old Chateau theater:

 Country roads, take me home!

 Peace Plaza downtown:

 Minnehaha Falls

 Minnehaha Falls

Pray for Adele!

I am asking for your prayers for Adele. Her story is heartbreaking, but your prayers could help. I do believe in the power of prayer. You can read about Adele here to center your prayers. Please pray that the chemo works to shrink the fast growing brain tumor in her head so her family can have more time with her. You might as well pray for a MIRACLE while you're at it, because she really needs one. She should be able to run and play and go to her first day of school, graduate from high school, get married and be a Mom. This is an ugly tumor and is growing very rapidly. Because of it's placement and how it has spread, surgery is no longer an option. Strangers and friends alike, thanks for the prayers on her behalf!

Faith and other things. WARNING-Heavy Post!

I am trying to understand "God's will". I'm trying to trust "God's plan". I'm trying to find my way in this fallen world and find meaning to tragedies. I'm not sure what it says about me as a person, but I have a very heartbreaking habit. I keep "watch" over many sick children. Mainly, children fighting osteosarcoma, brain tumors and leukodystrophies. All of these are tragic and heartbreaking but I cannot turn my back on these kids. Then, one story leads me to another and I have to bookmark that page so I can pray for them and hope for them and even cry for them. I think part of me reads these blogs and facebook pages (even though I don't have a facebook, most prayer pages are public so you don't need an account, thankfully) to gain some sort of understanding and to also appreciate what I have in front of me because it's not always easy with the day to day activities of a busy family and especially not easy with teenagers who some days seem to hate me with all they have.

So, the faith part of my post refers to the suffering of innocent children. I learned yesterday that Xavier, a brave 2 year old who was stabbed while he slept by his Mother's jealous ex-boyfriend had died. It makes me so sad for this little guy who fought SO HARD to stay alive for a year!! Why would something like this happen to a child? How could that be God's will? I don't understand. Here  is the article about Xavier. It breaks my heart beyond words. There are so many kids I keep watch over and he was one of them. So many children dying or having recently passed from brain tumors. So many children dying or have recently died of nasty osteosarcoma. Zach Sobiech, who just turned 18 a few weeks ago, passed away two days ago. He did many things in his 18 years and he touched my heart. Here is a video of his story. Such a great person, gone too soon. My heart goes out to his family. He wrote and performed the song Clouds and it is a great one. Take a listen! So many children and young adults gone too soon. Those that really have touched me are Zach, Kaden, Alyssa, Miette and Shannon. These are all children who have passed on way too early. Zach, Alyssa and Kaden all passed away recently due to osteosarcoma and Miette and Shannon, of a brain tumor. Then there's the MLD kids. The Price Family, and Vivian Family who each have two babies with MLD (metachromatic leukodystrophy) and the Campbell Family who have THREE children with this horrible rare disease.

Written by a parent who recently lost his beloved daughter to a brain tumor:

"On a personal note, here are some things it took me too long to figure out during the last few years. Enjoy every moment of every day. Don't be in such a hurry. You don't get those moments back. Plan for the future, but don't worry about the future. Worry gets you nowhere. You should tell the people you care about how you feel as much as possible. Don't wait for that perfect moment. The perfect moment never comes. My mom passed in December & I never got to tell her how I felt. Don't let grudges or anger keep you from living your life. You waste so much time & energy being angry. If you feel hurt by someone, forgive them. Be kind & compassionate to everyone you come in contact with during your days. You never know what someone else is dealing with during their day. Sometimes it's good if you don't judge, & just listen. Laugh as much as you can each day. You may have it bad, but I guarantee someone else has it worse. Bad things WILL happen to you. The key is to not let them defeat you. Try to be strong, but it's ok if you cry sometimes. Pray. Pray. Pray."

I pray and beg and plead for God to never, EVER have this be part of his "plan" for any of my children!! But I wonder, how do parents remain faithful to this God and trust him after he takes a child from them? How can some people be SO trusting and unselfish? I can only hope and pray that if I were to ever (GOD FORBID) have to endure something so painful as the loss of a child, that I could speak as faithfully and eloquently as these parents do in their blogs. Why would a kind, loving God ever allow something like this? WHY-when parents beg and plead for prayers and prayer chains have spread across the globe! WHY is all I can ask. I want to understand. I want to be one of those with unshaken faith. I want to trust.

Trust. This leads me to my next heavy topic. I have a major issue with trust. Sometimes I don't even trust myself with decisions because I can feel different about things from day to day or hour to hour. It all depends on the day and the time and events leading up to those decisions. So, when I was faced with a situation about a month ago, I surprised myself. My mom logged into her FB on my phone. She left it open. We were busy with our dinner coming and put my phone down to eat. Later in the evening, I was playing around with my phone, on the internet when I noticed one of the open windows on my phone was her FB still open. I don't have a FB anymore, so at first, it was innocent. I was just playing around. But then, I decided to read her messages. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was because I have always known the love was not unconditional or even really true LOVE. I've never felt it from her. Maybe she thinks she has "loved" me, but if she did, she sure had/has a funny way of showing it. I've always known there were resentments and grudges and trust issues. It has been a very rocky relationship to say the least. Especially growing up with her alcoholism being the main theme of my childhood. What I read I wasn't prepared for. Matter of fact, what I read was gut wrenching and made me PHYSICALLY ILL. That night, I did not sleep. Not ONE WINK. After reading those messages, I was up for nearly 48 hours straight. Oddly enough, I didn't even feel tired. Pure adrenaline as I tried to sort it all out in my head.

The messages were full of hatred and jealousy and lies. For two years, she sucked her sisters and her son (my only sibling, MY BROTHER) into these dreadful stories and lies. I read things like, "Make Jenny mad so she doesn't come to Thanksgiving" and, "Get close to Chelsey and Summer to make Jenny jealous". WHY. WHY!? I ask WHY a lot these days. I don't understand being filled with that much hatred. Those two examples are only about .00001 percent of what I read. Between them ALL. So, I was faced with a decision. I could just pretend I never read them. Yep, that was the first plan. But, as the physical illness and emotional aspect of it took it's toll, I confronted them ALL. I sent emails. I'm not sure what the purpose of those emails were, but I had to release some of that hurt. I had to try to understand it! I only personally called my Mother. I asked her to explain the LIES. Flat out LIES!!! She only spit out "For the first time, I'm speechless". Damn right she was speechless. She was speechless because there was nothing she could say and she knew it. There was nothing she could say to the daughter she has never loved unconditionally. You see, her own mother had a special place in her heart for her daughter (ME) and yes, I knew it!! Shame on ME for accepting that unconditional love, right? Ha. So, my whole life, I thought it was two of my aunts that resented me but my own mother's resentment of me was much deeper. I just didn't know it!! I fooled myself. Her next words to me were, "You are dangerous!" DANGEROUS?? If reading my mother's messages on my phone means I'm dangerous, then, I guess I'm GUILTY of being dangerous.

SO, I have thought and prayed and pondered and dreamed and wished and everything else that any human might do to try to understand it all. I've chosen to let it be their problem. I've chosen to be stronger and love my own children even more and be more understanding and tolerant of others. I've chosen to listen and accept more. I've chosen to have a relationship with Summer. It's a work in progress, but some just aren't as easy. I've chosen to be as much UNLIKE my own mother as I possibly can be. These are all choices that we all have. I will not let those messages own me. They have to own it. What I will own is that I shouldn't have read them. That is my part. However, it has helped me understand my upbringing and the feelings I always had about why I did not feel loved and why I felt such resentment towards me. It was REAL!!!

Needless to say, Grandma was and still is a very, VERY special person. She is understanding and loves ME unconditionally and I love her unconditionally as well. To think that those people hoped for me to be unhappy and hoped that Grandma would somehow "See her true colors" is sad. I can only HOPE that someday, they will understand their behavior and maybe even feel remorseful and ask for forgiveness or say "Sorry". Maybe that will happen, maybe not. Only time will tell.

In the meantime, my life is good. It's great, matter of fact. I keep my circles very tight and small. I decide who to let in and when to pull back. I am in control of my happiness and nobody can take that from me. My children are healthy and happy, my marriage is wonderful and I am blessed beyond belief. I just wish things had been different. I wish I could say that I had/have two loving, involved parents in my life who can share the joys of raising my children and who my children can call Grandma and Grandpa, like I had growing up. That bond is so important. My children don't get to experience that. It makes me sad for them. Ben's parents do a good job of being Grandma and Grandpa, but I wish my girls had the same thing with my parents. They just don't. I've spent a lot of time grieving over that.

Most of the time it's as if I am feeling my way through life nearly blind. I envision myself walking through a VERY thick forest. With goggles on. In the fog. In quick sand. I can barely see! There is no path. Nobody before me did any walking in this forest. Nobody before me cleared the way. It's not a well beaten path, but it is mine and I must take it. So, I venture on. Sometimes I get snagged up in vines and thorny bushes and it HURTS. But, then there are times when there are meadows and flowers and beautiful things. Maybe this is just life. But, I feel like my life was not and has not been as easy as some. However, I MUST accept that this is MY LIFE and do it well. I must accept that I have not had it easy but not dwell on it. I must not dwell on something I had and have no control over. It makes life that much more rewarding when walking through those meadows. I appreciate those meadows. I appreciate the little things in life that maybe others don't even notice. That is the beauty of it all. Maybe that's the answer to why God allows sad, terrible things to happen to little innocent children. Maybe they are angels that send us a message of healing and love and being grateful for what we have and cherishing it when we have it. Because, some people don't always see that and others don't always have that. My hope is that this forest will be much easier for my kids to walk through. Sure, they will choose their own paths with most of their life, but, the concrete things like parenting and values I hope to have a path beaten for them so that it's not so rough and so they don't feel like they're going it alone. I hope they can call me anytime, night or day, and know that I care and I love them unconditionally and that I would drop anything for them or their children. I can't wait for the opportunity to be a Grandmother someday. Just not too soon ;-)

Maybe God's message is clear and we just haven't opened our eyes enough to see it. I have seen so much beauty come of these tragedies. The beauty of tragedy is that we see things more clearly. We are stripped of our former selves. All of the yucky stuff that we carried around with us somehow is shed. It's simplistic. We see the beauty in a child's laughter, we care less about a messy house. We are in less of a hurry to get places and might even let someone sneak in front of us. We see that when others are ugly to us, maybe they need help, or maybe they are having personal struggles themselves. I am trying really hard to see the beauty amongst all of the pain and ugliness that surrounds us in this fallen world. It's there, it's there. You just have to open your eyes a little more.

Taken on Sunday between thunderstorms: